"All learning has an emotional base." -- Plato
The ability to express and control our own emotions is important to everyday life, but so is our ability to understand, interpret, and respond to the emotions of others. Imagine a world where you couldn't understand when a friend was feeling sad or when a co-worker was angry. Psychologists refer to this ability as emotional intelligence, and some experts even suggest that it can be more important than your IQ.Knowing how and when to end a relationship is a function of one's emotional intelligence. Normally, we don't wake up one day and say to our partners: "You know...I'm done. I don't love you anymore!" It might feel like that is the way that it happens, but, usually there are signs beforehand that the relationship is in trouble. We, as humans have a tendency, though, to ignore the warning signs in the hopes that what we think or perceive is coming from the other person is just a figment of our imaginations. Especially, if you are on the receiving end of the warning.
James Redfield states in his book "The Celestine Prophesy" that:
"It is THE STRUGGLE FOR POWER that destroys most good relationships. Too often humans cut
themselves off from the greater source of this energy and so feel weak and
insecure. To gain energy we tend to manipulate or force others to give us
attention and thus energy. When we successfully dominate others in this way we
feel more powerful, but they are left weakened and often fight back.
Competition for human energy is the cause of all conflict between people. We
think we have to compete with each other for energy and steal energy from
others because we are disconnected from the larger source of this universal energy
so we practice domination, manipulation, and control to fill up with other
people’s energy. This struggle is responsible for all human conflict. In fact,
the universal energy can sustain us. We do not need other people’s energy."
Therefore, when we seek out a relationship what we are truly looking for is MORE ENERGY to feed our weakened emotional state. That is not to say that, only weak people get into relationships. On the contrary, most people seek the emotional validation and comfort that a relationship gives us; not necessarily the feeling of POWER that it gives us over another human. When our "emotional stability is deep in need..there is something I can do...I can get on the telephone and call up you up Baby"..sang the R&B crooner, Marvin Gaye in his song "Sexual Healing"...That is because we are SOCIAL CREATURES and whenever we feel sad, or tired, or low, the reassurance from someone (anyone) else that we are loved, and lovable is very comforting to our souls. But, some people need more comforting than others, however, and that is where the "power struggle" comes into play.
We may be able to convince someone else to be our "backbone" in times of need, but when it comes down to depending upon that other person to feed our INSATIABLE ENERGY NEEDS, that is the beginning of relationship troubles. There are many reasons why people get into relationships, and almost as many reasons why people break up or get divorced, should they be lucky enough to get married in the first place. But, when a person begins to feel manipulated or used, that is usually one of the first signs that the relationship is headed for the skids. No one wants to be around a "needy" person...because it makes us feel sapped of our own energy needs.
So what are the major signs that your relationship is in trouble?
Usually, one of the first signs is: The lack of intimacy. But, we knew this already, right? The very thing that might have brought two people together in the first place is the FIRST thing to go, when it is time to leave the relationship. That is because, SEX is usually the GLUE that holds a couple together. Unless, sex was not important to the relationship in the beginning---then the couple needn't worry about a cooling off period. Its when that cooling off period becomes an ICE AGE that the red flags should start waving all over the place.
Usually, a couple will be in tune with each others, hot and cold periods. No one can sustain a constant level of sexual desire, and it should not be expected. However, EXTENDED PERIODS of sexual distance is usually the death knell sounding loud and clear to any relationship. The result is usually (but not always) INFIDELITY which is merely a symptom of a greater problem that is not being addressed directly. It is the means by which ENERGY DRAINED individuals get the attention they feel they are not getting from their partners. Albeit, negative attention that is destructive may be better than no attention at all.
Contrary to popular belief, INFIDELITY is not the main reason why most couples separate. We seem to be able to forgive and forget our mate's indiscretions faster and more readily than we can forgive the power struggle over MONEY. People have very different attitudes towards their money--- how they spend, where to spend, what to spend it on, etc. When you meet someone for the first time, WHAT THEY DO FOR A LIVING is usually the first question you ask after "So, what's your name?"
We are extremely sensitive about and protective of our possessions; how we have come to acquire them and how we wish to maintain them. Therefore, any time there is a threat , (either in reality or perceived) to them we immediately go into a defense mode, and all bets are off. That also means that we will do whatever is necessary to maintain our personal status quo, by either getting rid of the threat or moving towards assistance. When a mate no longer fits into our ideals of what we need to protect our personal status quo; either they don't make enough money, or they spend too much money, or they don't want to work as hard as you do, or they don't give us what we expect in the way of gifts or expensive dates, you can rest assured that the relationship will be threatened.
Very few relationships can survive a major change in financial circumstances. Again, that is because money is a basic tool for survival. Whenever our EXPECTATIONS of how the money situation is SUPPOSED to be are not met, we feel threatened, we go into defense mode, and something has to give...And it is usually the person or the situation or the thing that is causing the problem.Very rarely do couples think that COUNSELING OR ADVICE is what's needed to resolve the issue. They mainly think that it is just time to GO; either they have to go or they have to get rid of the other person.
So, then they start thinking of ways to either get out of the situation or how to make the other person so uncomfortable that they'll want to leave on their own. This is called PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE behaviors, and it is a sneaky way to avoid a direct confrontation of the problem, which if the two people were EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT enough, they would be able to address the issues directly.
Most counselors and advice manuals will tell you that COMMUNICATION is the main key to a successful relationship, and I will agree. However, a person who is EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE will not know how to communicate with their partners properly. Now remember, emotional intelligence or maturity has absolutely nothing to do with a persons chronological age, or their other life skills and abilities. It has everything to do with how they approach emotionally sensitive areas of their lives; a skill or ability that they may or MAY NOT have learned over the years.
When people say: "You're acting so childishly'"... they recognize the fact that you have not matured emotionally. Two people cannot communicate effectively if both are not on the same emotional level. Forget the fact that they may or may not be intellectually compatible. If they are not emotionally compatible there is absolutely no hope for reconciliation. Therefore, when it comes time for the relationship to be dissolved, if that is what the situation has come to...then all HELL can and will break loose if one OR BOTH of the partners are unable to control their emotions. There is nothing uglier than a physically grown person having a "TERRIBLE TWOS" temper tantrum.
This is usually the cause of ugly divorces or violent breakups. The ENERGY DRAINED person is seeking attention, they will try to get it anyway they can, they disregard the other person's feelings, they seek revenge, they try to retaliate, and the next thing you know...somebody is in court , in jail or BOTH. Emotionally intelligent people recognize the underlying causes of the problems, they either seek counseling or advice, then they try to find a solution and where no solution exits, they move on.
The most important thing to remember is...YOU CANNOT RAISE AN ADULT. That means that once you recognize emotionally immature behavior coming from your partner the wisest and SAFEST thing for you to do is GET OUT OF THE WAY! Learn to protect yourself from the emotional typhoons that may be brewing inside your partner. If the love that you two once shared is not strong enough to maintain the relationship...BOTH people would be better off just going their separate ways.
And, once you are separated...STAY SEPARATED.. only unless and until your former partner has matured sufficiently for a reconciliation. If you maintain sexual contact, you are only adding fuel to the fire. If you keep calling, or texting, or driving by their house or even trying to exact revenge on your ex, then you are exhibiting the emotional level of a needy child and YOU are the one who needs help towards finding closure and a resolution of your residual feelings.
Granted, breakups are painful...But, they needn't be as painful as we make them out to be. I, personally have never had a problem letting go of a relationship that did not work for me. Some people might have called me "cold-hearted" or "insensitive" but believe me...it always worked out for the best for everyone concerned in the end. It was those times that I tried to "beat that dead horse" into submission that I had the most problems. I have had fantastically exciting sexual relationships that I've had to rip myself away from. I have had men who had lots of money but acted like pure assholes, that I've gladly walked away from. And, I have had tender love affairs that the circumstances of life has torn apart. As an emotionally intelligent woman, I realize that life has its up and downs and sometimes it is best to just MOVE ON...
Next time I will talk about how to resolve some legal and financial situations as well as how to avoid emotional trauma with your children during a romantic breakup.
STAY STRONG...THINK RATIONALLY!!
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