Children Should Be Loved and Not Traumatized

Remember...Kids are People, Too!
Previously, I wrote about raising children in rocky relationships:

"Making the choice of whether or not to have children is extremely personal. Children are born under very different circumstances, for very different reasons. I could, and I have written several books about what happens when children are not raised properly. I cannot go into the subject completely in this forum. All I am going to say is this:

1. Children should never be used as tools for creating, maintaining or ending a relationship. To do so, is called child abuse in the worse form. 
2. A child cannot keep two people together who are not meant to be together. 
3. Children should never be used as pawns in any legal proceeding. 
4. No one should use another person as a baby-making machine, just because they want a child in their lives. Babies don't stay babies forever...they grow into adolescents and adults with problems. 
5. If you do not know how to raise a child properly you should forget about having children, period. 
6. If you cannot provide a good life for your child because of the lack or education, resources, family support or you have severe health issues, you should reconsider having children. 

The decision to bring a child into the world should never be taken lightly. They are not pets...You can't take them to the pound, or back to the hospital, or the baby store when things don't go the way you planned...it is, and should be a decision you make for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHILD'S LIFE, TOO!"

When I was 22 years old, and had found myself to be pregnant with my first child, it never occurred to me that one day, I would be a single woman with 3 grown children, but that I would not have a relationship with their fathers. Truthfully, I didn't actually PLAN how my life was going to be like at all, like I do now with my business proposals, that contain 5-year projections for profits and sales for the future. All I knew was that I was going to be the best parent on Earth that I could be. I had been involved with raising my nieces and nephews, I had received a good education, I was a strong, loving and giving woman, and I felt that I was prepared to have a child and give them everything they needed in Life. 

It never occurred to me that there were a few things that needed to happen BEFORE the child came into the world. The first thing I didn't have was the agreement of my partner that we BOTH wanted to be parents. Silly me...what man in his right mind would not want to share his meager salary, and lack of a stable home with the woman of his dreams and his first (or second) born child?  More importantly, the subject of a legal marriage never came up, and all I knew was that he said he "would love me forever."

I had graduated from college, but I hadn't started working yet. I was living with my mother, so I didn't even have my own place. I hadn't even purchased my first car. So exactly what was I going to give my child? LOVE?? Sorry Darling...love don't pay the bills! In essence what I did was handicap myself for the next 20 years of my life with the responsibility of raising another human being to its maturity. I had no money in the bank, no means of getting to the bank, and didn't even work for the bank. I was stuck. I love my children with ALL of my heart and soul, but I tell people who don't have children that they are very lucky indeed, whether they realize it or not, because being a parent is not all its cracked up to be. A baby is only a baby for a year, then they are a toddler for another 2 years, and then you have a miniature adult who can talk, talk back, and give you  plenty of attitude. They are then someone who needs new clothes, and food, and shoes, and a college education, and...well you get the picture, right?

The first father told me simply, that he was "not ready", and had long since disappeared even before the child was born.  I was left to raise the child by myself and the legal ramifications were a nightmare. I spent hours and hours in Family Court trying to get Paternity, Child Support and Visitation issues straightened out.  I was assaulted, demeaned, frustrated and demoralized by the System. Seven years later, after meeting another man, who again, claimed that he "would love me forever" after having had a seven year rocky relationship --- I ended up back in Family Court with more scars and bruises and a hellish vision of the future staring me in the face.  All this with a man who had relationship issues, severe military PTSD, personal financial problems, and the attitude that it was all my fault for "letting him get me pregnant." (Yep...I raped him!)

And, like I told you before, I don't learn my lessons very easily,--- so another seven years later, I ended up having another baby by the same man!  Now, either the sex was truly amazing, he had lots and lots of money, we were truly in love, or I was really, really stupid. The truth of the matter was... ALL OF THE ABOVE!  But mainly, I was really stupid , very naive, and, extremely forgiving for letting it happen to me again.  More importantly, I AM HUMAN, and, humans make mistakes. My children were not the mistakes...but, it was a mistake to bring them into the world under those circumstances. Because the truth be told...my kids were seriously traumatized in various ways by everything that had happened to me and to them. 

There is a whole lot more to this story that I am not going to go into here. I am just going to say this: 

1. My children know who BOTH their parents are. 
2. My children have their father's last names and
3. I held their fathers accountable for their actions and how they treated me. 

My children are now in their twenties and thirties. One has had children of her own, one doesn't want children, and one is in college and I don't know if he has decided to have children or not.  All I do know is that the LOVE I gave them was not enough. The SACREFICES that I made for them were not enough.

I would have loved to have given my children the stability of a two-parent home until they were old enough to make it on their own. But, that didn't happen ---and it doesn't happen for a lot of people for various reasons: divorce, death, abandonment, resentment,  anger.. for whatever reasons two people don't get along. This kind of life tears people apart.

But, just remember this:  "CHILDREN SHOULD BE LOVED AND PROTECTED... 
AND NOT TRAUMATIZED"

Do whatever you can to be sure that you as a parent are acting responsibly as an adult, and that you are not exposing your children to unnecessary, negative, outside influences. Remember when you bring someone into your life that you are also bringing that person into your children's lives...and, when you force someone away or you take them away from you --- that you are also taking a little piece of your child's life, feelings and love away from them also.  

I don't think I need to relate to you the thousands of horror stories of the young girls (and boys) who have been raped, molested, beaten or abused by their mother's or their father's significant others, or even by people who were just visiting for the night.  Young adults of today's society are horrible at forming lasting relationships because the majority of them come from dysfunctional, or broken homes themselves. Over 75% of Black children are being raised in single parent homes; many of them by other relatives who are not their biological parents. 

The divorce rate has fortunately dipped a little, but it is still very, very high. We must all realize that children are not just the BY-PRODUCTS of our failed relationships, --- they are the fruits of our dreams, our hopes and our realizations. They deserve so much more than seeing their parents fighting, being dragged into courtrooms, or living their lives in homeless shelters because their parents didn't THINK BEFORE THEY ACTED!!

I also tell divorcing parents to think three times before they throw out the D-word around their children. Please do WHATEVER is necessary to preserve your marriage even in cases of infidelity. The ONLY REASON I think two people should separate or divorce is in cases of severe physical, mental or emotional abuse. Only when someone's life or livelihood is threatened should separation or divorce be an option.

Otherwise, PLEASE TRY TO WORK IT OUT...for the children's sake and rebuild the love that once was.