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Children Should Be Loved and Not Traumatized

Remember...Kids are People, Too!
Previously, I wrote about raising children in rocky relationships:

"Making the choice of whether or not to have children is extremely personal. Children are born under very different circumstances, for very different reasons. I could, and I have written several books about what happens when children are not raised properly. I cannot go into the subject completely in this forum. All I am going to say is this:

1. Children should never be used as tools for creating, maintaining or ending a relationship. To do so, is called child abuse in the worse form. 
2. A child cannot keep two people together who are not meant to be together. 
3. Children should never be used as pawns in any legal proceeding. 
4. No one should use another person as a baby-making machine, just because they want a child in their lives. Babies don't stay babies forever...they grow into adolescents and adults with problems. 
5. If you do not know how to raise a child properly you should forget about having children, period. 
6. If you cannot provide a good life for your child because of the lack or education, resources, family support or you have severe health issues, you should reconsider having children. 

The decision to bring a child into the world should never be taken lightly. They are not pets...You can't take them to the pound, or back to the hospital, or the baby store when things don't go the way you planned...it is, and should be a decision you make for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHILD'S LIFE, TOO!"

When I was 22 years old, and had found myself to be pregnant with my first child, it never occurred to me that one day, I would be a single woman with 3 grown children, but that I would not have a relationship with their fathers. Truthfully, I didn't actually PLAN how my life was going to be like at all, like I do now with my business proposals, that contain 5-year projections for profits and sales for the future. All I knew was that I was going to be the best parent on Earth that I could be. I had been involved with raising my nieces and nephews, I had received a good education, I was a strong, loving and giving woman, and I felt that I was prepared to have a child and give them everything they needed in Life. 

It never occurred to me that there were a few things that needed to happen BEFORE the child came into the world. The first thing I didn't have was the agreement of my partner that we BOTH wanted to be parents. Silly me...what man in his right mind would not want to share his meager salary, and lack of a stable home with the woman of his dreams and his first (or second) born child?  More importantly, the subject of a legal marriage never came up, and all I knew was that he said he "would love me forever."

I had graduated from college, but I hadn't started working yet. I was living with my mother, so I didn't even have my own place. I hadn't even purchased my first car. So exactly what was I going to give my child? LOVE?? Sorry Darling...love don't pay the bills! In essence what I did was handicap myself for the next 20 years of my life with the responsibility of raising another human being to its maturity. I had no money in the bank, no means of getting to the bank, and didn't even work for the bank. I was stuck. I love my children with ALL of my heart and soul, but I tell people who don't have children that they are very lucky indeed, whether they realize it or not, because being a parent is not all its cracked up to be. A baby is only a baby for a year, then they are a toddler for another 2 years, and then you have a miniature adult who can talk, talk back, and give you  plenty of attitude. They are then someone who needs new clothes, and food, and shoes, and a college education, and...well you get the picture, right?

The first father told me simply, that he was "not ready", and had long since disappeared even before the child was born.  I was left to raise the child by myself and the legal ramifications were a nightmare. I spent hours and hours in Family Court trying to get Paternity, Child Support and Visitation issues straightened out.  I was assaulted, demeaned, frustrated and demoralized by the System. Seven years later, after meeting another man, who again, claimed that he "would love me forever" after having had a seven year rocky relationship --- I ended up back in Family Court with more scars and bruises and a hellish vision of the future staring me in the face.  All this with a man who had relationship issues, severe military PTSD, personal financial problems, and the attitude that it was all my fault for "letting him get me pregnant." (Yep...I raped him!)

And, like I told you before, I don't learn my lessons very easily,--- so another seven years later, I ended up having another baby by the same man!  Now, either the sex was truly amazing, he had lots and lots of money, we were truly in love, or I was really, really stupid. The truth of the matter was... ALL OF THE ABOVE!  But mainly, I was really stupid , very naive, and, extremely forgiving for letting it happen to me again.  More importantly, I AM HUMAN, and, humans make mistakes. My children were not the mistakes...but, it was a mistake to bring them into the world under those circumstances. Because the truth be told...my kids were seriously traumatized in various ways by everything that had happened to me and to them. 

There is a whole lot more to this story that I am not going to go into here. I am just going to say this: 

1. My children know who BOTH their parents are. 
2. My children have their father's last names and
3. I held their fathers accountable for their actions and how they treated me. 

My children are now in their twenties and thirties. One has had children of her own, one doesn't want children, and one is in college and I don't know if he has decided to have children or not.  All I do know is that the LOVE I gave them was not enough. The SACREFICES that I made for them were not enough.

I would have loved to have given my children the stability of a two-parent home until they were old enough to make it on their own. But, that didn't happen ---and it doesn't happen for a lot of people for various reasons: divorce, death, abandonment, resentment,  anger.. for whatever reasons two people don't get along. This kind of life tears people apart.

But, just remember this:  "CHILDREN SHOULD BE LOVED AND PROTECTED... 
AND NOT TRAUMATIZED"

Do whatever you can to be sure that you as a parent are acting responsibly as an adult, and that you are not exposing your children to unnecessary, negative, outside influences. Remember when you bring someone into your life that you are also bringing that person into your children's lives...and, when you force someone away or you take them away from you --- that you are also taking a little piece of your child's life, feelings and love away from them also.  

I don't think I need to relate to you the thousands of horror stories of the young girls (and boys) who have been raped, molested, beaten or abused by their mother's or their father's significant others, or even by people who were just visiting for the night.  Young adults of today's society are horrible at forming lasting relationships because the majority of them come from dysfunctional, or broken homes themselves. Over 75% of Black children are being raised in single parent homes; many of them by other relatives who are not their biological parents. 

The divorce rate has fortunately dipped a little, but it is still very, very high. We must all realize that children are not just the BY-PRODUCTS of our failed relationships, --- they are the fruits of our dreams, our hopes and our realizations. They deserve so much more than seeing their parents fighting, being dragged into courtrooms, or living their lives in homeless shelters because their parents didn't THINK BEFORE THEY ACTED!!

I also tell divorcing parents to think three times before they throw out the D-word around their children. Please do WHATEVER is necessary to preserve your marriage even in cases of infidelity. The ONLY REASON I think two people should separate or divorce is in cases of severe physical, mental or emotional abuse. Only when someone's life or livelihood is threatened should separation or divorce be an option.

Otherwise, PLEASE TRY TO WORK IT OUT...for the children's sake and rebuild the love that once was. 

How to Resolve Your Relationships' Legal Issues

Legal Issues for Co-habiting Couples

As it was mentioned previously in one of my earlier blogs, the purpose for legal marriage was to protect the family's or the individual's personal assets. Most couples who lived at the turn of the century were either poor laborers, farmers or craftsmen who owned little if any real property or valuable possessions. Legal marriages allowed people to establish heirs to property, and the distribution of assets in the event of death or divorce for those who were fortunate enough to have accumulated such assets. 

However, since then people have obtained significant wealth, more tangible assets, and personal possessions which require protection from loss or damages. Some people think about protecting themselves from financial ruin constantly, and some people are so enamored with Romance, that resolving any legal issues in a relationship is the furthest thing from their minds. Those people are not only called stupid,...they are called LITIGANTS. (Parties who have been named in a lawsuit)

Please click on and read the following article on this website that reviews several issues that couples who choose to NOT live together under a legal bond, must be prepared to face in the event that their relationship goes badly. 

http://psychcentral.com/lib/legal-issues-for-cohabiting-couples/0001370

When you finish reading the article and completing the chart and exercises that are presented to you, come back and finish reading this blog.

If you do not wish to take the time or the effort to educate yourself about what the legal problems that can exist while you choose to live UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER, might be...I can only warn you to prepare yourself to be named in a lawsuit, custody or child support petition, or some other legal suit to resolve the problem.  The courts are filled to the brim with people who did not "look before they leaped" into sexual relationships that turned into legal nightmares.

I, myself, have been named as a party in more than a few legal entanglements, and can truthfully say that, had I only known then what I know now...I would have taken TRIPLE precautions against being hurt financially, spiritually and physically by my ex-partners. I used to sit in Family Court and think to myself:  "Damn,...all l these people are here because they f##ked the WRONG person!" Or, I would watch Judge Judy or Judge Joe Brown and think about where those people would be if they had only been aware of what problems could have been avoided BEFORE they got to court.

Protection nowadays does not ONLY mean wearing a condom. It means avoiding identity theft, credit rating destruction, loss of income, loss of valuable property, AND emotional devastation. There is nothing more horrible than losing everything you own or have worked your entire life to establish because all you thought about was how good the sex was, or how much money you THOUGHT your partner was going to give you. But now you're sitting in the courthouse reading this on Facebook, wondering how you got yourself into this mess...And more importantly...how are you going to get out of it?

How to Identify Your True Problems

Why are You in a Relationship That's Not Working Out??

Ask yourself this question and then decide what steps you can take 

towards making your life better and happier.

1. You got in it for the wrong reasons but you are afraid to end it or you don't want to "hurt" the other person's feelings. (Sex, Money, Stability, pleasing other people, fame, publicity, etc.)

2. You lack an individual identity. It's a codependent relationship for either identity,
substance abuse, or financial stability and you don't know how to end it.

3.You got lost in your parental roles when the children came. Most parents soon neglect or completely forget that they are a couple and don't know how to get back the love and romance.

4. You're trying to get back to  having a shared vision of success. "Everything changed when we got married!" He thinks it's your job to cook and clean, but you disagreed. He doesn't help with the kids or the housework as much as he should. You never really talked about your expectations and you took each other for granted.

 5.You have a fear of being alone or lonely. You've never developed your own identity and you depend on the other person to validate who you are as a person. You don't want to miss out on all the fun, but the other person really doesn't "turn you on" anymore, either.

 6. Your unmet expectations became everyday frustrations. Some people think that that when they aren't happy, he or she is supposed to force his/her significant other to make the changes required to make them happy again. This usually takes the form of complaining, blaming, criticizing, nagging, threatening, punishing and/or bribing. They are merely waiting for the situation to change on its own without any actual intervention or progress.  

7. Finances and incompatibility in the financial arena has caused problems but there is no easy escape from the responsibilities. You don't want to be homeless or broke.

8. Being out of touch with the situation. Location or circumstances have taken you away from your partner, but you hold on to the relationship for appearances sake or for legal purposes. The sex is convenient but there is no real affection.

 9. Your shared priorities and interests (or business dealings) have kept you two together but there is no real "spark" or excitement in the relationship. Of course, having "me time" is important as well, but unless you can find your common passions and look for ways to experience them together, you'll inevitably grow farther and farther apart.

10. Inability to resolve conflicts keeps you together just enough to prevent a separation. A   "referee" or "mediator" is needed to help define the problems and teach you to move through the charged emotions so resentments don't linger.

All of the above situations spell imminent danger in any relationship and should point the couple towards COUNSELING or, at least, to Mediation or Discussion in order to resolve the issues. However, this may not have happened for various reasons.

Either one or both of the partners are:

AFRAID, ASHAMED, STUBBORN, CLUELESS, PRIDEFUL, ANGRY, WEAK, STUPID, CRAZY, TROUBLED, OR REFUSES TO ADMIT...that there are problems in the relationship.

This is called: DENIAL...and is more dangerous than any of the other problems put together.

Denial, is a mental and psychological problem that requires professional evaluation and help. If you are the rational and sane partner of the relationship and you recognize the cause of the problems but your partner refuses to admit their faults or refuses to seek assistance, it would be wise for you to leave the relationship or to seek a separation until your partner reaches a logical or sane resolution. If you do not or cannot recognize the problems and your partner acts to end the relationship, you will feel like you have been BLINDSIDED by their actions, when in reality they have just moved on.

My next blog will talk about some legal pitfalls to avoid to keep from destroying your whole life, and not just the relationship.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

START READING HERE...

"All learning has an emotional base." -- Plato

The ability to express and control our own emotions is important to everyday life, but so is our ability to understand, interpret, and respond to the emotions of others. Imagine a world where you couldn't understand when a friend was feeling sad or when a co-worker was angry. Psychologists refer to this ability as emotional intelligence, and some experts even suggest that it can be more important than your IQ.

http://psychology.about.com/od/personalitydevelopment/a/emotionalintell.htm

Knowing how and when to end a relationship is a function of one's emotional intelligence.  Normally, we don't wake up one day and say to our partners: "You know...I'm done. I don't love you anymore!"  It might feel like that is the way that it happens, but, usually there are signs beforehand that the relationship is in trouble. We, as humans have a tendency, though, to ignore the warning signs in the hopes that what we think or perceive is coming from the other person is just a figment of our imaginations.  Especially, if you are on the receiving end of the warning.

James Redfield states in his book "The Celestine Prophesy" that:

     "It is THE STRUGGLE FOR POWER that destroys most good relationships. Too often humans cut themselves off from the greater source of this energy and so feel weak and insecure. To gain energy we tend to manipulate or force others to give us attention and thus energy. When we successfully dominate others in this way we feel more powerful, but they are left weakened and often fight back. Competition for human energy is the cause of all conflict between people. We think we have to compete with each other for energy and steal energy from others because we are disconnected from the larger source of this universal energy so we practice domination, manipulation, and control to fill up with other people’s energy. This struggle is responsible for all human conflict. In fact, the universal energy can sustain us. We do not need other people’s energy."

Therefore, when we seek out a relationship what we are truly looking for is MORE ENERGY to feed our weakened emotional state. That is not to say that, only weak people get into relationships. On the contrary, most people seek the emotional validation and comfort that a relationship gives us; not necessarily the feeling of POWER that it gives us over another human. When our "emotional stability is deep in need..there is something I can do...I can get on the telephone and call up you up Baby"..sang the R&B crooner, Marvin Gaye in his song "Sexual Healing"...That is because we are SOCIAL CREATURES and whenever we feel sad, or tired, or low, the reassurance from someone (anyone) else that we are loved, and lovable is very comforting to our souls. But, some people need more comforting than others, however, and that is where the "power struggle" comes into play. 

We may be able to convince someone else to be our "backbone" in times of need, but when it comes down to depending upon that other person to feed our INSATIABLE ENERGY NEEDS, that is the beginning of relationship troubles. There are many reasons why people get into relationships, and almost as many reasons why people break up or get divorced, should they be lucky enough to get married in the first place. But, when a person begins to feel manipulated or used, that is usually one of the first signs that the relationship is headed for the skids. No one wants to be around a "needy" person...because it makes us feel sapped of our own energy needs.

So what are the major signs that your relationship is in trouble?

Usually, one of the first signs is: The lack of intimacy.  But, we knew this already, right?  The very thing that might have brought two people together in the first place is the FIRST thing to go, when it is time to leave the relationship.  That is because, SEX is usually the GLUE that holds a couple together.  Unless, sex was not important to the relationship in the beginning---then the couple needn't worry about a cooling off period.  Its when that cooling off period becomes an ICE AGE that the red flags should start waving all over the place. 

Usually, a couple will be in tune with each others, hot and cold periods. No one can sustain a constant level of sexual desire, and it should not be expected. However, EXTENDED PERIODS of sexual distance is usually the death knell sounding loud and clear to any relationship. The result is usually (but not always) INFIDELITY which is merely a symptom of a greater problem that is not being addressed directly. It is the means by which ENERGY DRAINED individuals get the attention they feel they are not getting from their partners. Albeit, negative attention that is destructive may be better than no attention at all.

Contrary to popular belief, INFIDELITY is not the main reason why most couples separate. We seem to be able to forgive and forget our mate's indiscretions faster and more readily than we can forgive the power struggle over MONEY. People have very different attitudes towards their money--- how they spend, where to spend, what to spend it on, etc. When you meet someone for the first time, WHAT THEY DO FOR A LIVING is usually the first question you ask after "So, what's your name?" 

We are extremely sensitive about and protective of our possessions; how we have come to acquire them and how we wish to maintain them. Therefore, any time there is a threat , (either in reality or perceived) to them we immediately go into a defense mode, and all bets are off. That also means that we will do whatever is necessary to maintain our personal status quo, by either getting rid of the threat or moving towards assistance.  When a mate no longer fits into our ideals of what we need to protect our personal status quo; either they don't make enough money, or they spend too much money, or they don't want to work as hard as you do, or they don't give us what we expect in the way of gifts or expensive dates, you can rest assured that the relationship will be threatened.

Very few relationships can survive a major change in financial circumstances. Again, that is because money is a basic tool for survival.  Whenever our EXPECTATIONS of how the money situation is SUPPOSED to be are not met, we feel threatened, we go into defense mode, and something has to give...And it is usually the person or the situation or the thing that is causing the problem.Very rarely do couples think that COUNSELING OR ADVICE is what's needed to resolve the issue. They mainly think that it is just time to GO; either they have to go or they have to get rid of the other person.

So, then they start thinking of ways to either get out of the situation or how to make the other person so uncomfortable that they'll want to leave on their own. This is called PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE behaviors, and it is a sneaky way to avoid a direct confrontation of the problem, which if the two people were EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT enough, they would be able to address the issues directly.

Most counselors and advice manuals will tell you that COMMUNICATION is the main key to a successful relationship, and I will agree. However, a person who is EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE will not know how to communicate with their partners properly. Now remember, emotional intelligence or maturity has absolutely nothing to do with a persons chronological age, or their other life skills and abilities. It has everything to do with how they approach emotionally sensitive areas of their lives; a skill or ability that they may or MAY NOT have learned over the years.

When people say: "You're acting so childishly'"... they recognize the fact that you have not matured emotionally. Two people cannot communicate effectively if both are not on the same emotional level. Forget the fact that they may or may not be intellectually compatible. If they are not emotionally compatible there is absolutely no hope for reconciliation. Therefore, when it comes time for the relationship to be dissolved, if that is what the situation has come to...then all HELL can and will break loose if one OR BOTH of the partners are unable to control their emotions. There is nothing uglier than a physically grown person having a "TERRIBLE TWOS" temper tantrum.

This is usually the cause of ugly divorces or violent breakups. The ENERGY DRAINED person is seeking attention, they will try to get it anyway they can, they disregard the other person's feelings, they seek revenge, they try to retaliate, and the next thing you know...somebody is in court , in jail or BOTH. Emotionally intelligent people recognize the underlying causes of the problems, they either seek counseling or advice, then they try to find a solution and where no solution exits, they move on.

The most important thing to remember is...YOU CANNOT RAISE AN ADULT.  That means that once you recognize emotionally immature behavior coming from your partner the wisest and SAFEST thing for you to do is GET OUT OF THE WAY! Learn to protect yourself from the emotional typhoons that may be brewing inside your partner. If the love that you two once shared is not strong enough to maintain the relationship...BOTH people would be better off just going their separate ways.

And, once you are separated...STAY SEPARATED.. only unless and until your former partner has matured sufficiently for a reconciliation. If you maintain sexual contact, you are only adding fuel to the fire. If you keep calling, or texting, or driving by their house or even trying to exact revenge on your ex, then you are exhibiting the emotional level of a needy child and YOU are the one who needs help towards finding closure and a resolution of your residual feelings.

Granted, breakups are painful...But, they needn't be as painful as we make them out to be. I, personally have never had a problem letting go of a relationship that did not work for me. Some people might have called me "cold-hearted" or "insensitive" but believe me...it always worked out for the best for everyone concerned in the end. It was those times that I tried to "beat that dead horse" into submission that I had the most problems. I have had fantastically exciting sexual relationships that I've had to rip myself away from. I have had men who had lots of money but acted like pure assholes, that I've gladly walked away from. And, I have had tender love  affairs that the circumstances of life has torn apart. As an emotionally intelligent woman, I realize that life has its up and downs and sometimes it is best to just MOVE ON...

Next time I will talk about how to resolve some legal and financial situations as well as how to avoid emotional trauma with your children during a romantic breakup.

STAY STRONG...THINK RATIONALLY!!


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